I was fuming when I stumbled upon the idea that happiness is a choice. It insulted everything I have ever felt in my life. It was a concept that invalidated all my emotions. Do you mean all the times I have suffered meant nothing? Do you think it is that easy to choose to be happy? If happiness is a choice, wouldn’t I have done that all this while? Wouldn’t everyone on this planet have avoided pain and sadness? Why would someone not choose to be happy all the time?
All of us go through difficult circumstances and challenging phases in our lives. And for quite a significant number of people, even existence is suffering.
So, how can happiness be a choice? It felt frustratingly irrational.
Until I paused and contemplated it after my frustration came to its natural end. The idea that happiness is a choice is not as simple as it seems. The reason for my frustration was my lack of understanding.
So let us first explore what happiness is a choice does not mean. Lack of this understanding can make this concept seem infuriating on the surface.
Happiness is a choice: Misconception
Human beings are complex creatures exhibiting a mixture of varied emotions. Feelings drive our thoughts and actions that often make us do things we regret. We get jealous, sad, angry, overwhelmed, frustrated, defeated, depressed and ashamed. We are sometimes afraid of doing things that are good for us and then are ashamed for not trying because of this fear. Other times, we do things we were not supposed to do and then get angry at ourselves for messing up. Even our emotions have emotions!
We do not choose our emotions, but they often plague us. Created by external triggers, our personalities, thought processes, or understanding of the world, emotions harass us to the point of controlling our lives and ruining our happiness. The concept that happiness is a choice cannot mean invalidating the upheavals of life and the corresponding emotions. That is just being human.
Your pain is valid. The suffering you face that you often do not deserve is valid. Your fears are valid. Your anger for your crushed hopes and failures is valid. You cannot generate happiness by denying reality and living in a fantasy world, dreaming that all is great even if your world is burning. You can read more about the dark sides of toxic positivity here.
But then, what does it mean by happiness is a choice? And how do we choose happiness if we are often slaves to our emotions?
Happiness is a choice: How to choose to respond?
Things happen to us – the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. No matter how much we think we are in control, sometimes things happen that devastate us. And these life situations are accompanied by unwanted emotions. And they are inevitable. No amount of shame or frustration at ourselves will stop these emotions from reemerging in the future. It is because they are valid reactions of our bodies to cope with the turmoils of life.
But then, how can we say happiness is a choice?
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
Viktor Frankl
Debilitating circumstances might generate some of the worst possible emotional reactions within us. Sometimes, they can even feel unbearable, causing physical pain within our bodies. We might not have control over these emotions that surge up, but we can choose how to respond despite them. How our body feels emotions does not necessarily have to drive how we act, speak or think.
But how to choose our attitude in any circumstance? How do we choose our way towards happiness?
To do that, we need to solve two problems to claim that happiness is a choice.
- How do we manage an emotional state to reach a rational mindset?
- What is a practical way to choose happiness in a rational mindset?
Managing emotions for choosing happiness
When you are emotional, no amount of rational thinking will work. How many times have you regretted something that you spoke in anger? Aren’t there some things that you do when you are sad or afraid that you are ashamed of? How often have you told yourself that you will not act a certain way but repeat the same pattern? Rationalising in emotional states does not work because a brain intoxicated with emotions does not listen to logic. In this state, your brain only craves to satisfy the demands of your feelings. To reinitiate rational thinking, you bring your emotions to a manageable level.
But do you want to know a banger? All of us already know how to manage our emotions. We do that all the time. Our mind is cunning and calculative, always trying to escape pain and immerse in pleasure. The brain does what it is hardwired to do out of habits since childhood or since facing any traumatic experience to manage our emotions. We found a way that made us feel better immediately if we felt messed up. And once we identified that, we have been holding on to it like our lives depend on it. But almost always, these ways are unhealthy. They make us feel better immediately but fill us with regret later.
What are some ways people unhealthily cope with their emotions like sadness, fear, feeling insecure, sense of unworthiness or emptiness? Excessively watching movies or series, being a workaholic, alcohol, drugs, spending sprees, the constant party life, excessive sleep or sleeping for small durations, frequent procrastination, adultery, overeating or restricting food intake, self-isolation, controlling people, micromanaging, over-explaining, achieving or boasting to desperately prove your worth, afraid of trying new things, and on and on.
These ways help us feel better immediately with its instant dopamine spike, a sense of protection or making us feel wanted. But as the dopamine spirals down, we feel worse than before as now we did something we regret in addition to our initial intense emotional state. And so, due to habit, we go back to the unhealthy coping mechanism to feel better immediately yet again. It is a vicious cycle in which almost all of us are victims.
But then, what could be a few healthy ways to manage our emotions that we do not regret? How can we reach the rational state to be better equipped to choose happiness rather than resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms? There are multiple healthy ways to cope with emotional upheavals, but one that works for me is breathwork.
Breathwork
Have you noticed how you breathe when stressed, anxious, angry or sad? The breathing is often shallow and fast. It is anything but the natural pattern of breathing. So, we can see that our emotions affect our breath. But the reverse is also true. Controlling our breath can alter our emotional states as well.
The great thing about breathing is that it is one of those rare functions of the body which happens automatically and consciously. We can thus use it to manage our emotions when needed.
3-3-6 Method for anxiety, overwhelm and anger
I have found this to be effective while facing emotional upheavals of anxiety, stress, overwhelm and anger. You inhale as you count to three mentally, hold your breath as you count to three, and then exhale while counting to 6. You repeat until your emotions are under control so that your feelings do not drive your decisions. The long out-breaths in this method activate the parasympathetic nervous system. It slows the heart rate and calms you.
This way, our rational brain can take over and help us choose happiness instead of relying on unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Focused deep breath work for tackling sadness
Sadness can externally seem like a state of numbness. The person might not be interested in any activity and can have an unusually high affinity for sleep. However, inside this shell of inactivity is a storm of thoughts racing across the ocean of the mind. What looks like numbness hides the onslaught of horrible thoughts, feelings of worthlessness, a sense of impending doom, or sometimes utter hopelessness.
Focused deep breaths can bring focus to our minds instead of our habit of being distracted. Deliberately inhaling and exhaling deeply and bringing our attention to this now voluntary rhythm of breath can remove our attention from the source of sadness – thoughts, and bring calm and normality.
These methods are easy to follow, but we need to practice them extensively to make them our habits. It can ensure that our first response when we experience emotional upheaval is our breathwork and not our unhealthy coping mechanisms.
How to choose happiness?
Now that we are in a rational state of mind, we are better suited to choose our attitude in the given set of circumstances. So, what can we do to say that happiness is a choice? For that, we need to understand our end state, happiness.
How do you feel when you are happy?
Joyful? Elated? Excited? Peaceful? Upbeat? Courageous? Lucky?
There could be numerous feelings that encompass happiness. But one of the common underlying feelings I have observed is feeling full. Happiness is accompanied by feeling content with the current state of things. A sense of abundance, however temporary, fills us whenever we are happy. The moment of utter happiness cannot coexist with a state of lack within. The void we might sometimes feel within does not exist in this moment.
So I believe to truly say happiness is a choice, to choose happiness, we have to attain a state of abundance. But this state cannot be achieved by beginning with a feeling that something is lacking within us. It means, it cannot be attained by trying to achieve or possess something, as this desire to attain anything itself signifies that we lack something within us in this very moment. And if we keep chasing, this feeling of lack keeps reinforcing this lack of abundance within us. Even if we eventually attain what we were chasing, the sense of abundance is fleeting before we feel the sense of lack again.
So then, how can we attain abundance so that we choose happiness?
What if we are asking the wrong question? Maybe abundance is not something to attain, as chasing anything triggers a feeling of lack. Maybe abundance is something that we feel at this very moment.
How to feel abundance in this moment to choose happiness?
We might be able to feel abundance if we flip the script. Instead of chasing anything, even abundance, what if we begin with the assumption that we are already abundant?
Performing such actions or thinking such thoughts can reinforce a sense of abundance within us as they come from a feeling of being abundant right now.
But how do we do it?
One way could be practising a sense of giving. Giving does not just mean material gifts. Giving could be in the form of love, time, companionship, compassion, understanding, support in times of need and a dozen other things. When we practice giving to others, it tricks our brain into thinking we are abundant. How can you give to others if you are not abundant, right? But this giving needs to be unconditional, that is, without any expectation of receiving anything. If there is an expectation, it can defeat our aim of feeling abundant as it would just be another transaction – I do this for you so that you would help me in the future. Do note that this practice needs your judgment. Giving is a beautiful practice, but it is equally important to protect ourselves and not let anyone take advantage of us.
Another trick to create abundance is to notice the good things in our lives. Mind, which tends to get attracted to negativities, can be trained to count the good things happening around us. Forcing ourselves to keep track of the blessings in our lives can slowly create a sense of abundance within us.
And practising abundance is our way of saying happiness is a choice.
But wait, this is not over yet. There are more upsides to these practices.
The flood of happiness through abundance
Once we begin practising abundance using the above two methods, it makes us feel happy in the present state. A happy state improves how we feel, which affects the choices we make or actions we choose. These choices are often beneficial for our long-term growth and happiness rather than short-term-pleasure-seeking pursuits.
So, we manage our emotions through breathing techniques and reach a rational mindset. We then practice abundance to be happy in the now. As we feel great, we have a higher probability of making healthy choices in the long term, thus reinforcing our happiness.
It is like opening a floodgate of happiness.
I wish you all the best. May you cope with your emotions healthily and create the happiness that you deserve. Through practice, I hope one day we can all choose happiness every day and keep choosing it for the rest of our lives.
Love,
Kartikey