Almost every single person is teaching you how to succeed. 10 simple ways to succeed, or 20 life-changing tips. Tips on how to crack your dream job interview or the 5 most effective ways to lose weight.
But they won’t teach you how to fail at almost everything you have desperately wanted all your life.
[Wait. Why would I want to learn how to fail?]
Because you and I have been doing it every day of our lives while being mostly clueless about it. It’s a simple, single trick guaranteed to create a life filled with failures. And we do it every day, effortlessly.
I’ll tell you how to fail at almost everything so that you can finally start avoiding it.
Let’s see if you can find that one thing, the key to how to fail at almost everything through a short incident from my early life.
I was fumbling through the notes. As a 13-year-old, I was anxious about speaking on stage for the first time and embarrassing myself. I was afraid of screwing up and forgetting my speech thus making a fool of myself in front of hundreds of people. During the last few minutes, I was desperately trying to study the little pointers scribbled on the notes which could help me remember. Well, I was trying, but couldn’t focus. Nothing seemed to be going inside. I was panicking.
“Put it aside. You know it. You have practised it dozens of times. Relax for a while,” Mother said, sensing my anxiety.
“Maa! Don’t interrupt. Let me revise,” I retorted.
(Kartikey)
They are already calling my name. I won’t remember this damn thing. What am I going to do?
“You got this,” Mom said reassuringly.
“But I don’t remember this part,” I snapped back directing my finger towards my notes.
Almost shivering with fear, I went on stage. Hundreds of eyes were glaring at the tiny figure that was me.
I am going to forget my speech. Why didn’t I prepare more? I need more time!
With a quivering voice, I began. And in less than a minute I got stuck, at the exact same portion which I predicted.
What was in this part? What am I forgetting? See, I knew I will forget. Think, think. What was in this part??…………. I hate myself!
The harder I tried to remember, the more blank my mind became. After standing mute for what felt like an eternity, I walked off the stage and the venue.
Mom came running behind me. “Kartikey. It’s ok. It happens,”
“See, I told you I will forget. I should have never gone on the stage,” I screamed without looking back, trying to get as far away from the place of my humiliation as possible.
Found it?
If you have, great. If you haven’t, let me clue you in.
I thought of a prediction. A future where I will forget a specific part of the speech. And it became a reality. Did I suddenly become a fortuneteller who could anticipate his own downfall?
No, I can’t see the future. At times, I don’t even know what I will have for lunch. Then what happened?
I wasn’t predicting the future. I was creating it — my ‘how to fail at almost everything’ scenario.
To know more about this irrational thought process that limits us, let’s understand the concept of Self Fulfilling prophecy. It was coined by renowned sociologist, Robert Merton, in the year 1948 in his book “Social Theory and Social Structure”.
What is Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
Self Fulfilling Prophecy: A false definition of the situation evoking a behaviour which makes the originally false conception come true.
Robert Merton
A classic example of this phenomenon happened during the years 1929 to 1939, the period of the great economic depression. Many banks failed during this period of economic downturn. However, even the banks which were financially strong started failing. Why?
False rumours.
A false rumour that a bank will fail and won’t be able to refund the depositors’ money started spreading. So, people made a run to withdraw their money when there was still a chance to recover their savings. As banks rarely keep the amount of cash to allow all the depositors to withdraw all of their money at once, the banks started going bankrupt. The false belief that the bank will run out of cash eventually led to a change in the way its depositors behave. This caused the earlier false idea to turn into reality.
A Self Fulfilling Prophecy looks like this:
- Belief: A false idea/belief about the future
- Actions: Actions taken based on the false idea
- Result: The outcomes created by the actions which validate our original belief
How did I create my ‘How to fail at almost everything’ scenario?
The 13-year-old me had learnt and practised his speech dozens of times. But because he was anxious to go on stage and did not want to embarrass himself, he conceived the false idea – ‘I might forget’. He got so fixated on this idea that it eventually became a reality.
How?
The false idea panicked him which created stress. Stress interferes with our capacity to encode memory and retrieve information. This is why he was having a hard time recalling what he had learnt which otherwise he could have done easily. And when he tried to re-learn it, the mind simply couldn’t remember.
Because he couldn’t recall his speech due to stress, this provided concrete evidence to support the initial false idea – ‘I might forget’. This proof of the idea further caused him to have a full-blown panic attack intensifying his stress.
Poor kid failed to realise that he was the one turning his prediction into reality.
How do YOU create your everyday ‘How to fail at almost everything’ incidents?
The self fulfilling prophecy is more common than you think. We create our ‘how to fail at almost everything’ incident that happens every day through. We just don’t to notice them.
What are some of the false ideas that you keep making yourself believe?
- I am a poor performer.
- I don’t deserve it.
- I am boring.
- I won’t get promoted.
- I won’t get that job.
- No one likes me.
- I am a failure.
- I am bad at interviews.
- I am not good enough for this new role.
- I hate Mondays.
- I am not a morning person.
- I am worthless.
- I make all the wrong decisions.
- I am stupid.
- I am not confident.
- This is going to be a bad day.
- I hate myself.
- I don’t deserve to be happy.
- …..
When we believe these false ideas to be true, we structure our thoughts, behaviours and subsequent actions in a way that we end up making them a reality. Let’s see some examples that might occur in our daily lives.
Neha is an employee who has just been handed a new project at work to observe her capabilities. But she thinks — ‘I don’t deserve it’. Struggling with imposter syndrome, she constantly doubts her abilities. Whenever she gets stuck, stumbles or faces any opposition to her views, it confirms her false idea. She conveniently ignores that anyone new to the project might have faced similar struggles. She feels spending more time on the project would be useless as she’s not qualified for the job. Anything she tries would create sub-optimal outcomes. Eventually, her half-hearted efforts lead to substandard results making her belief — ‘I don’t deserve it’, a reality.
Roshan is out on his first date. He is extremely nervous and thinks he isn’t good enough and thus expects rejection. This thought inadvertently leads him to fumble, make awkward remarks, try to overcompensate and thus seem desperate, and lack confidence. This eventually leads to a poor first date making his initial belief true.
Sounds horrible? Well, wait for what’s coming next. The self-fulfilling prophecy has an even darker side, a vicious cycle from which there might seem no return.
The feedback loop.
How to fail at almost everything, forever: The Feedback loop
What is a feedback loop?
Have you heard of the deafening echo when a mic is placed near its connected speaker? When you place the mic near its connected speaker, the speaker’s output again becomes the mic’s input and the cycle continues leading to a noisy echo — a feedback loop.
A feedback loop is where the input creates the output which again serves as the input, and the cycle continues forever.
Do you want to know something scary?
We have all been stuck in some of our own feedback loops of failures. Forever.
Kartikey has previously failed in public speaking. When he gets an opportunity to speak in public again, he recalls his failure and creates a belief that he can fail again. This causes him to be nervous, fumble, and maybe forget his speech. The experience of his last performance (output) created a false belief (input) for his current performance leading him to fail again (output). When there comes a third time, he might not even try. “What’s the point”, he says. “I’ll embarrass myself again.”
Neha, from the previous example, constantly doubts her abilities. Facing any failure at her job can reinforce her belief that she didn’t deserve it in the first place. This further affects her actions and the way she approaches new work causing her to fail at new projects too.
Rohit has been avoided and often treated harshly by other students in his college. He ends up doubting his personality and thinks ‘No one likes me’. This false belief can make him avoid interacting with others. “What’s the point”, he will say. “They won’t like me anyway.” When a rare opportunity arises to interact, he might behave in unfriendly ways. Thus inviting unwelcoming responses from them. This will further confirm his belief and make him isolate himself forever.
[This is horrible. Is there a way out of it?]
Yes, there is!
How NOT to fail at almost everything: Using the self-fulfilling prophecy to your advantage.
Self Fulfilling Prophecy begins with a belief, which correspondingly structures our actions and behaviour eventually becoming our reality.
Then why don’t we think good about ourselves and make it our reality? 🙂
You don’t HAVE to think shitty about yourself. This is a default pattern of thinking most of us are stuck into. We are our harshest critics. Every single mistake, small failure, doubt, comment, taunt or blame sends us into a spiral where we treat ourselves like crap.
I had been struggling with it for years. YEARS. Until I had enough and decided to rebel against it. This NEEDS to change. Because it is NOT THE TRUTH.
No, I am not advocating we are all perfect and there is no room for improvement. But we need to start viewing ourselves from a neutral perspective where we can notice our real flaws and slowly work on them. Not the crap we create in our minds constantly.
So how do we use Self Fulfilling Prophecy to our advantage?
Start thinking the opposite (but believable) of the crap you tell yourself every day
Instead of the false ideas you put into your head, start thinking and repeating to yourself the opposite of it. But remember, it needs to be believable for you to make it your reality.
See some examples below
- I am a poor performer -> I give my best every day and I am open to learning.
- I don’t deserve it -> I deserve it.
- I am boring -> I am fun and it’s not my job to entertain people.
- I won’t get promoted -> I am good at my job. May the best get promoted.
- I won’t get that job -> I am giving my all.
- No one likes me -> Some people like me, and some don’t. Nobody is liked by everyone.
- I am a failure -> Everyone fails someday. I have succeeded in the past. I will succeed in the future.
- I am bad at interviews -> I know my problem areas, and each day I am better at interviews than yesterday.
- I am not good enough for this new role -> I wouldn’t have received this role had I not been good enough.
- I hate Mondays -> Each day is not the same. I don’t feel good right now, but let’s see what great opportunities are in store for me to change that today.
- I am not a morning person -> It feels horrible when I wake up early morning, but once I begin my routine, I feel great about everything I already accomplished so early.
- I am worthless -> I am worthy
- I make all the wrong decisions -> I make decisions based on the information I have with me right now. Sometimes they could be wrong, but that’s just life.
- I am stupid -> I am intelligent
- I am not confident -> I do things that scare me every day. I have come a long way.
- This is going to be a bad day -> Today didn’t start so great, but that doesn’t mean it should be that way.
- I hate myself -> I am compassionate to myself. I am only human. I accept myself with all my flaws and strengths. I love myself.
- I don’t deserve to be happy -> I freaking deserve to be happy.
Use the Thumbs up in the Jar technique
I created the ‘Thumbs up in the Jar technique’ in this article which intricately works on changing your thought processes and creating a happier and more productive life. I have described the technique to eliminate procrastination from its root but you can use it to have a happier life.
It’s not going to be easy. It is rare to have great thoughts. And I know from experience that it will be hard to think good and be confident when we have a habit of constantly doubting our capabilities. But when we are conscious of how our thoughts can create our realities, we can start making efforts to push ourselves to live our best possible lives.
Sure, you won’t succeed every time. But slowly by creating a habit, a better, happier, peaceful world, where you don’t fail at almost everything will be created. Just be patient and have a little compassion for yourself.
Earlier you found out how to fail at almost everything. Now you know how not to.
Let me know in the comments below what false ideas you had been struggling with and if this article was helpful to you.