No one can understand me.

A scream of despair in the depths of darkness. A desperate plea to find an island of stable support in the storm of existence.

No one can understand my feelings.

An almost inaudible whisper. A quivering voice battered by the sheer hopelessness of efforts.

Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.

George Orwell

Love is a primary need of every human being. Coming in varied forms like friendships, parental love, romantic relationships, and love for animals, love serves a significant purpose in our lives. However, at the depths of the abyss, our need to be understood might surpass the need for love.

How many people do we have in our lives who love us but do not understand what we go through? Probably a significant number.

But why do we want to be understood?

Why the need to be understood?

Why does the heart cry ‘No one can understand me’? What makes being listened to and understood critical to soothe our wounds and begin our journey towards happiness and peace?

The need for safety

We only realise the inherent need for safety when we lack it. Safety is a primary need of a human being and involves not only physical protection but also emotional safety. And during a vulnerable phase, being understood can offer this comfort of emotional safety.

No one can understand my feelings, which is a thought that can often arise from a lack of emotional safety. A fear of being judged, ridiculed, rejected or isolated can create an unsafe environment, making the need to be understood unmet.

The need to be heard

How many of us have someone in our lives that listens to us? And this does not mean someone hears us during a conversation. The need to be heard is satisfied in a non-judgemental space where you can express yourself with nothing held back. A place where your vulnerabilities will not be used against you.

The cry that no one can understand me arises when the open wounds are shared but are not heard the way we want. During this delicate time, a conversation with someone who lacks empathy, spews judgement and condescension, ridicules you, or minimises your pain can make things worse.

Even something as simple as being offered advice without the space to express your truth can deepen the wound even further. It can make the person feel like a fool as if they have not tried these things already.

I should not worry? I should have known better and not done that? That is genius! Why did I not think of that before?

The acknowledgement of emotional distress

No one can understand me is a thought that can also emerge from the need to share something only you have been facing bravely all this while. It gives the possibility of grieving without being alone. Expressing yourself freely and being received the way we are can soothe the soul and provide corresponding support for our healing. However, the lack of acknowledgement or sheer dismissal of what the individual perceives as a monumental event can cause tremendous emotional distress.

The anatomy of the issue: Why are we not understood?

What are the obstacles that end up creating the hopelessness that no one can understand me? Let us analyse the anatomy of the issue.

Do I even understand myself?

The first step to make someone understand us is for us to understand ourselves. No one can understand me is a statement seeking help that often arises from the depths of pain. The pain we feel but cannot always rationalise or articulate in our minds. Sometimes, the suffering can stem from a straightforward format, a clear cause leading to an effect that devastates us. However, the complexity of human beings often makes things difficult to understand.

At times, a seemingly clear cause can be a symptom of an issue having its undiscovered roots in our childhood. Other times, we can go through phases of life where we have distinct unease and pain that the body feels without knowing why. Without proper contemplation, patience and a systematic system to understand ourselves, the complexity makes it difficult to understand ourselves. Often the problem-solving skills needed require a level of mastery. How can we then expect someone else to do it for us?

All language is but a poor translation

All language is but a poor translation.

Franz Kafka

The next issue occurs when we try to articulate our emotions and what we are going through. It is a difficult skill to master which needs rational thinking even when we are clear-headed. Imagine trying to do the same while in the abyss of an emotional state. It is often too much to ask from ourselves. The person’s rational thinking is short-circuited, and an emotional state overpowers the ability to express articulately. Additionally, our raised voices, flaring emotions, anger and sadness can often overpower the content of communication and its depths.

Then there is the issue with the language itself. The words in the language or the sequence we want to arrange them fail to describe the depths of what we go through. For example, what would you feel when you hear the phrase, ‘I am going through a difficult period’? You will know the person is facing issues, but the statement will never encompass the intensity of their suffering. Painting a picture of the situation thus becomes an articulation problem and a creative process.

Why are you judging me?

No one can understand my feelings is often a statement uttered by people who are afraid of expressing themselves for fear of being judged. This fear is valid as, during this stage, someone judging the person, blaming them for their state or ridiculing them can annihilate their self-esteem. A compassionate listener creating a non-judgemental atmosphere through their words and behaviour can help individuals be themselves and express how they want. It can begin their much-needed process of healing for them.

Why do I have no one who can listen?

The listener’s job of creating a non-judgmental atmosphere is accompanied by a need for actual listening. This is not just listening to respond or whip out solutions from thin air but actual listening. It means listening empathetically just for the sake of listening. It means acknowledging the individual’s circumstances and providing a comforting and calming presence. That is what I feel is real listening. And this requires tremendous patience, empathy and a sense of care and love for the individual trying to express themselves. Even the loving presence of someone who cares can satisfy any individual’s need to be understood.

What if they break my trust?

Often, lack of trust becomes an obstacle in approaching people and allowing them to understand what we are going through. This can be a defence mechanism to protect us from being vulnerable to anyone and everyone. Carefully choosing to trust is a good thing. However, a severe case of trust issues can often hinder us from approaching anyone. Without the opportunity, how can anyone even begin to understand us?

So, what can we do about these hurdles on our path to being understood?

How can we manage the need to be understood?

So now that we have seen significant obstacles in satisfying our need to be understood, what can we do to manage it? How can we avoid the thought ‘no one can understand me’?

Beginning the process of understanding ourselves

Solving the issue of no one can understand my feelings begins with understanding ourselves. Contemplating our circumstances and feelings and journaling is a great tool to understand ourselves. It is important to note that contemplation is different from overthinking. Overthinking is an uncontrolled barrage of thoughts storming the mind and destroying everything in its path. On the other hand, contemplation is a controlled thought process where we dig deeper into our issues to unearth and understand ourselves better.

Spending some time alone and giving space for this process is quite effective. Often, if the structure of thinking is complicated, taking the support of therapy can help us become aware of our patterns and pave the way for understanding ourselves.

Clear communication with the right setting

Communicating depends on a clear plan of delivery and articulation. While sharing, being mentally prepared with the bullet points of what you want to convey can provide clarity in your communication with a defined structure. It can make it easier for the other person to comprehend us and follow through. 

But clear comprehension can still lead to the situation of ‘no one can understand me’. The reason is a lack of emotional depth. We know that all language is but a poor translation.

So, how might we bridge that gap?

Describing our issues with anecdotal examples rather than stating, ‘It has been difficult’. Situations explained in the form of a story where we are the protagonists involve the listener and allow them to be in your shoes. It can make it easier for them to empathise with you while they go through the ride of emotions that you have been feeling. 

The setting of sharing is also crucial. A one-on-one setting where both are free and not involved in any other stressful situation is supportive.

Identifying a person in your life for support

The person needs to be empathetic towards you. Patience and the ability to listen non-judgementally are also crucial to have among them. The person also needs to be someone you trust. Someone with whom you are comfortable sharing your darkest times.

After analysing the above criteria in someone, you take a leap of faith and allow yourself to get hurt if you want to tread the waters of being understood. The only way to find if you can trust someone is by trusting them.

It is important to note that no human is perfect. So our support person might make a few errors unintentionally corresponding to what we require from them. So, along with them providing a loving presence and support, it is our job to offer the same. Communicating our ask so that they do not have to read our minds and forgiving them when they are learning can create a supportive relationship between both of you.

If finding such a person is difficult or can take significant time, the below might be useful to begin now.

Be the person you seek

Finding someone who satisfies all the criteria listed in the previous point is difficult. And no, the people close to you or your family do not qualify by default. Then, what to do if it takes a long time to have such a person in our life? Or what if we do not find someone like that at all?

Why not become that person for ourselves?

You would be surprised that while seeking someone who understands us, we stop understanding ourselves. How, while seeking someone who can create an empathetic environment, we create a judgemental environment for ourselves. How, in seeking emotional safety from others, we become our harshest critic. How, in finding someone who will accept just the way we are, we discard and shame ourselves for who we are. How, in trying to seek someone who would listen, we ignore the way our body needs help.

Why not provide ourselves with the emotional safety we seek at this time? What if we create a non-judgemental atmosphere and let ourselves feel everything? What if we empathise and listen to ourselves?

Most of the time we would never talk to our friends the way we exhibit cruelty to ourselves. Why not deliberately change that?

Using deliberate loving self-talk and creating an understanding atmosphere for ourselves can help us significantly. Saying something to ourselves as simple as, ‘I hear you and I am here for you’, or ‘This must have been quite difficult, and it was brave to face it in whatever way I could’, or ‘It is okay to be sad, but it does not have to be this way all the time. It will pass as all things do.’ can provide the support and strength we sought outside.

Why seek outside validation, when we can validate ourselves?

Having a person for support is beautiful, but not everyone is that lucky. But I believe we have all the potential to be what we are trying to find.

We can be what we seek.

Love,
Kartikey