Selfless service and success seem so opposite. In a world where everyone is out for themselves, can you even survive with something called selflessness? Inherently, we are selfish no matter how much good we do for others or think about others. That is how almost every human being functions. Progressing in life, being ahead than we were before, succeeding in all aspects of our lives or being successful by winning over our internal demons disturbing our mental health brings a sweet joy within us. And this need fuels the urge to think for ourselves first.
The deepest desire to grow and thus be happy might seem selfish. And the world and our society do not help either. When we believe it is a dog-eat-dog world, we think the only way to survive is to fend for ourselves. I believe it is not predominantly bad. We think about ourselves and our loved ones first. And that is okay.
But what if I tell you that practising selflessness can reap even greater rewards? What if selfless service can unleash our deepest desire to grow?
Seems paradoxical?
To understand that, let us first see what selfless service means. But more importantly, what does selflessness not mean?
What is selfless service? And what is it not?
A selfless service is an action performed without any expectation of reward. It is an action done for others without any motive for personal gain.
Wow, noble.
It looks perfect. Perhaps too perfect for our taste that we do not even want to attempt to attain it. Something more theoretical than practical for our real lives.
So, let us first address our inhibition. The issue people often have with selfless service or the virtue of selflessness is – what about me? Well, this world will eat us alive if we think of others and not about ourselves, won’t it?
To answer that, let me ask you this. If we only think about others and not ourselves, will we be able to assist others?
I believe that selflessness not only extends to others but also to ourselves. We can truly offer selfless service provided we are also taking care of ourselves. Meaning selfless service includes service to ourselves.
But how is success related to selflessness? How can selfless service support something that seems its opposite?
To know that, we need to look at the biggest obstacle in our path of progress.
The obstacle on the path of progress
Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fear.
Fear is our common enemy, the mighty warrior who defeats the best of us. It makes the worthy feel unworthy, the mighty shiver in the shadows, the underconfident hide under the disguise of humbleness, the confident doubt themselves, the decisive inactive, the prideful feel humiliated, and the noble turn away from the right thing.
Fear is a deeply ingrained emotion in our hearts that makes us perform actions we often regret. We run away, freeze, tremble, or our mind shuts off and becomes hazy. We are not ourselves under the trance of fear.
Fear and I have had a close relationship for over two decades. I have been humiliated by fear, desperately masked it with anger to project false confidence, thrown justifications to hide my anxiousness, lost that which I guarded with my life, questioned my identity and at times been defeated by fear so horribly that I did not think I would ever rise again.
Fear has been and still is the biggest obstacle of my life. Until I stumbled upon a way that helped me manage it. Let me explain with two contrasting incidents of my life where I was in a similar situation. But one was of utter failure and humiliation, while the other was of success. And how I came about this antidote against fear, which can help us manage this biggest obstacle on our path of progress.
The humiliating failure: Triumph of fear
Hundreds of anticipating eyes were on me as I stood on the stage. To my horror, I was staring back at them blankly. My mind was frozen.
What was the next sentence? What was the next freaking sentence?!
I began my speech with careful calculation. Meticulous preparation could be seen through my expressions, enunciations, pauses, movements, etc.
As I began, the carefully calculated steps created a machine with just one task. To deliver as practised. My heart kept pounding, and my voice quivered with fear. I knew I could not forget anything, or I would embarrass myself in front of everyone. It had to be perfect. I had to be perfect in front of everyone.
My only goals were to deliver the speech perfectly, win the competition, and not humiliate myself. Everything else barely mattered.
It was all about me.
And as I proceeded further, my heart kept racing more and more. My voice sounded weak as I was too focused on the fear of making any mistake. My gestures, my speech and my pauses sounded robotic and rehearsed.
And then, I could not remember what was to be said next. As I stood there, all I could hear was the silence of my humiliation. My perfect performance was going to blow up in my face.
Why do I embarrass myself? What is wrong with me? All of my work will be a waste. Speak. Damn it, SPEAK!
And nothing. Nothing came up in my mind.
I stood blankly for what seemed like hours. Finally, I left the stage mid-speech and walked off the venue, yet another humiliated victim of fear.
How did I accidentally tackle the biggest obstacle? : Unlocking selflessness
Cut to several years later in college during the periods of committee selections. In college, I had to give a presentation to hundreds of juniors about the committee I was a part of. Committee selection in MBA colleges is stressful, as hundreds of students apply for limited seats. The environment is highly competitive, filled with long nights of preparations and selection rounds.
Throughout the preparations for the presentation, I would remember when I was a junior and how stressful that period was for me. Slowly, I began caring about making the juniors feel welcome. What could I do to decrease their anxiousness about getting on a committee? How could I make them feel equal to me? How could I present the information in a crisp, simple and entertaining way since this is an all-day event and thus tiring? I did not want to convince them to join the committee I was part of. I wanted them to not give in to the stress and support their process of applying for the committee they found themselves most compatible to.
While presenting, I felt centred on the present moment, focused on fulfilling the purpose of the presentation and thinking about making the audience feel comfortable and welcomed. I had gradually stopped thinking about myself. I did not matter.
I did not notice that I was in front of hundreds of people or what would happen if I forgot what I had to say. I did not care if I was presentable, looked confident or how anyone perceived me at that moment. It simply did not matter. I wanted the audience to feel at ease and choose the best thing for their college life, and career.
I was accidentally practising selflessness, which helped me manage my fear at that moment.
How does selflessness work against fear?
Selflessness shifts our focus from ourselves to others. It is now not about our performance or how others perceive us. It is about how we can be of service to others. When this shift in focus is complete, the possibility of the mind getting engrossed in fear decreases drastically.
Selfless service makes the objective larger than yourself. It stems from a love for people and things around you. It fills you with happiness and abundance in that very moment. And as a side effect, it can propel you to success.
I have observed that you can fight fear by trying to project bravery. But it is far easier to fill yourself with love for others and not have any space for fear left within you than to focus on fear and try to drive it away.
But how do you build this practice of selfless service? How can you implement selflessness to tackle things you have been afraid to attempt all this while?
How can you make selfless service a part of your life?
Like other things, selflessness is a muscle that you build. And you can do it by practising it deliberately. And one of the ways you can make selfless service a part of your life is by practising generosity.
You do not have to feel noble or even good. You do not have to be the purest human being on this planet. It is okay to feel like a hypocrite while practising it. I am selfish and think often about myself and my loved ones over anyone else. But I am practising it too to get better. It is like a muscle. It builds over time and then becomes our second nature.
So, what can we do to build the muscle of generosity? It all begins with the small things.
Create an intention of offering before a big task or a new project
Creating an intention can drive our behaviour and thoughts while at work or taking up a new project or task. This intention can be a tool to focus our actions from a space of selflessness. While creating an intention that is a part of selfless service, answering a few of the below questions might help.
- How will this benefit others (users, customers, company, world, objects, environment, colleagues, etc.)?
- How will I approach this task so my actions, behaviour and speech showcase care for the vision?
- What is that one task in the project that I will volunteer for that will help the overall project but not me?
- How will I offer my thoughts, speech and actions without any expectation of return or any ulterior motive?
Recalling our intention multiple times in the day while we are engaged in the project will subconsciously divert our actions towards selflessness.
Remember, this is a practice. We are building the muscle to be generous and practice selflessness. So, during the project, you might have periods where you do not feel generous. That is okay.
We keep practising these selfless actions externally so they can slowly change how we feel and approach our work internally.
The effort of practising selflessness, even if you do not feel selfless, is itself an act of selfless service.
You are doing great.
Offer help without expectation
Whenever the next opportunity arises to help someone where there is nothing to gain, we can grab it. It could be offering our time, our knowledge, or just a comforting compassionate presence.
Usually, human assistance might depend on an unsaid give and take. Helping someone might include an unsaid expectation of receiving support, or simply getting gratitude for our help. In this case, giving and forgetting is a simple way of practising selfless service. We offer without any expectation or ulterior motive.
But do not forget that selflessness includes ourselves. So, using our judgment is essential when offering help so that people do not take advantage of us.
It is also necessary to assess if the person needs our help. Offering assistance to people who do not expect or want our help is a sure way of creating some awkward encounters.
Volunteer your time or offer a small amount of money to a cause or charity you care about
Time and money are precious entities for any human being. When we offer these to a cause we care about, we build generosity and practice selfless service. Volunteering our time is another way to build the muscle of selflessness.
Always remember, selfless service includes you. You can only take care of others if you care for yourself too.
Through these small practices, we develop a habit of offering from deep within our hearts without wanting anything in return. It shifts our focus from ourselves to others or a greater cause and develops strength and inner courage.
I hope selfless service opens the floodgates of courage for you. May selflessness create a paradoxical successful growth in your life.
Love,
Kartikey