Luke was on the balcony of the holiday home he used during his retirement. The mountains shimmered with the light of sunset. He held the drink he loved while he could smell his favourite food kept beside him. Everything about Luke depicted abundance. And yet his beverage was turning hot while his food became cold. Even though he gazed at the mesmerising golden hue cast by the sun across the sky, Lukes’s eyes were that of a hollow man. An empty shell. A feeling he cunningly avoided all his life and was only forced to face during occasions of solitude. But now it was here. And he had no way to escape. While his life seemed perfect to the world, suffering brewed inside him. He was suffering from success.
He unconsciously tried to make the distinct sound of metal tapping on glass as he tapped his finger on the drink. But there was no sound. He let out a sigh of disappointment as he remembered he did not wear his wedding ring anymore.
#1 Suffering from success: A failed companionship
Luke’s ambition, hard work, persistence to solve complex problems and sense of ownership beyond expectations helped him progress rapidly in the corporate world. The desire to create steered his life into establishing a business. The stress levels skyrocketed. He faced failures and times of financial ruin, but he persisted. And finally, Luke created his empire. All the while, he was married to his lovely companion, who supported him throughout while she carved out her career.
But somewhere along the way, their relationship started straining. The tensions were so minuscule at the beginning that Luke could never predict the downfall. As it crept gradually over the years, the peculiarities that constituted Luke’s relationship started disappearing. The quick workday calls slowly vanished. Spontaneous getaways became less frequent. His small gestures and surprises began fading away. Weekends were frequently occupied with work.
The pressure started creeping into Luke’s personal life, decreasing the quality of the rare interactions he now had with his wife. An irritated attitude here and a lack of patience and understanding there. He almost had no joy and energy left after work. The teasing banter changed to monotonic conversations, and the comfortable silence transformed into unpleasant energy. The infrequent conversations turned to sarcastic comments. The sarcasm turned to fights which eventually transformed into utter indifference. Sometimes Luke tried to revive the lost touch, but he could never keep his promises. Even though things were not good, he never thought he would face the day when he would need to discuss the end of his relationship.
As he looked at the mark on his finger, the last surviving evidence of a removed wedding ring, he thought, was this suffering from success worth it?
#2 Suffering from success: The sins of the father
Luke hadn’t talked to his son for over a year now. They were never close but still managed to drift further apart as the kid grew. Luke was neither good at communicating his feelings nor was he good at showing his love through actions. And his work just made it worse. There was no hatred between him and his son. Luke loved his son. But what existed now between them was a fate far worse than the hatred of a loved one.
Indifference.
He remembered his son’s school plays he did not attend due to a work emergency he could not recall anymore. The time his son won a race that he could not watch. The graduations and fair wells which Luke’s son had to celebrate with his friends and their parents. All the birthdays that Luke was absent. And in the few that he was present, he was practically nonexistent due to work. Luke wanted his son to get everything. But in his chase for success, he failed to give his son the one thing he wanted the most, his time. Luke thought his son knew he loved him. But he failed to realise that all his son could feel from his absence was indifference.
He now empathised with the woes of his kid. But it was too late. The several calls he made in the past year remained unanswered. Dozens of texts he sent did not get replies.
As he sat in his armchair staring at the vastness of nature, he could only feel the emptiness held within him. Yet another tragedy, suffering from success, he had to endure.
The sins of the father.
#3 Suffering from success: The life not lived
Woof!
The sound shook Luke out of his trance. As he gazed into the fields beneath him, he saw a dog merrily chasing a butterfly. He lived in the moment without worrying about the future or having regrets about the past. How much he envied that dog.
Luke loved dogs. He always wanted one. But he always wanted to care for his pet personally. To be with his unconditionally pure companion would have brought him joy. But he was barely home, so how could that be possible?
Luke’s mind now started running down the rabbit hole. What was the other suffering from success, the joy that he had to sacrifice for the life he lived now? The piano! He couldn’t keep his hands off the piano when he was a kid. Now, he hadn’t touched it for decades. There was his dream of exploring the mountains. As a teen, Luke explored the roads less travelled every other weekend and enjoyed the quietness of nature that transmitted peace within him. But now his legs ached. He was too old for it.
Luke recalled how much he wanted to spend time with his son and teach him about life. He had wished to be with his wife and make her favourite Italian cuisines which always tasted bad but were accompanied by laughter and playful teasing.
But he had missed out on this life. On the life, he wanted but never lived. And he abandoned all that for what he had now. He sacrificed almost everything he loved to be where he was today. The cost of success or, as he called it, the suffering from success. But then, was he successful if he had never lived the life he wanted? Was this type of ‘success’ really his, or was he chasing someone else’s dream all along?
Was he successful if he was filled more with regrets than happiness?
#4 Suffering from success: The pain of regret
Luke’s parents passed away a few years ago. There was rarely a day when he did not think about them. He recalled the times when he was defeated. Beaten by life, he did not have the strength to rise back up. When leaving his bedside seemed like a battle, he remembered his mother caressing his head with concern. His favourite food would be prepared even without him asking for it. He remembered the look of love and understanding without any judgement in her eyes. Barely uttering any words, Luke would find the support he desperately craved. How he wished he could have it now. Luke remembered the memories he created with his father when he was a child. Even his presence would provide him courage. The support that no matter what, his father will always be there to pick him up if he falls.
But since he had craved this success, the number of memories with his parents faded away. To find his path, his success, he moved, but with the promise that he would visit often. But as time performed its trick, the strength of that promise withered away. The meets a few times a year became visits to home only on festivals. Slowly, as work and other responsibilities caught up, the stays at home were reduced to once a year and sometimes once in a few years. The necessary suffering from success, as Luke used to call it.
As his mind started racing through these thoughts, a question arose. How many times did he meet his parents in the past two decades? Estimating the frequencies of his visits which drastically diminished over time, he came up with a gut-wrenching number – 36 times in the past two decades.
Since he left home, Luke met his parents 36 times till they died. He couldn’t believe the number. His family were the most important people in his life, and he barely had time for them. The cost he had paid was too much. The suffering from success was too high.
He thought he had time until he didn’t. But there was nothing he could do about it. He had to learn to live with this suffering in silence. He had to learn to ease his pain of regret.
#5 Suffering from success: The intense pressure
Beep Beep.
The sound made Luke notice his health watch. It was time for the heart medications. Luke never noticed the beginning of the ruin of his health while he was young. Work was his only priority, his sole focus. But as he grew older, he noticed the effects of work on his body and mental health, the physical toll of suffering from success. The long hours were brutal but still bearable. But the fatal blow came from the sheer pressure he handled daily.
There was a consistent feeling of anxiousness whenever he worked. And a sudden sense of relief when the day was over or the weekend began. As years passed and his responsibilities grew, the personal and professional boundaries started blurring. The anxiousness began spilling over. As with the workdays, the weekends began filling with stress. The vacations were often spent in worry. Even if he was with his family, his mind always raced with work scenarios.
As the anxieties grew, Luke became more impatient, snapping at the most minor mistakes and demands from his family. He could barely remember the time when he felt at ease. Outwardly, Luke seemed to have everything. But he always felt restless. He barely had any free time, and the rare times he did, he could never enjoy it due to the stress of his work. Gradually, Luke’s mental and physical health deteriorated. His heart weakened while his life lacked peace. At times he thought of running away, but how could he? After all the blood, sweat and tears he had put into his work to be where he was, how could he leave now? As the web of suffering tightened, he continued to choose to let himself get entangled more and more.
And as he sat on his armchair, thinking about the life he lived and the choices he made so far, he thought, “Did it all mean nothing?”
He created a life he never wanted. And the life he wanted, he never lived.
Could he have paused and let go of some things to find a better balance? How could he have decreased his suffering from success?
Was this a suffering from success, or did he wrongly define his success all along?
Was the single achievement he defined as success worth everything he had lost?
Could he even call himself successful if what he lived was a life full of regrets?