Am I an addict?

What thoughts come to your mind if you ask yourself this question? Does it seem outrageous? How can we be addicts? We have careers where with each passing day, we become better. We have families and friends, and some of us have significant others. Some of us work out, and others have passionate hobbies. Even when we are down, we hope and strive for the ups. We are healthy people chasing our dreams. People with no addiction.

When we think of addicts, we might think of a drunk person lying on the road with his face in the dirt. Someone who begins their day by opening a bottle of liquor. A person whom you almost always find drunk. Or maybe a person addicted to heroin, cocaine or marijuana, lying in a dilapidated building or on some random street. Homeless. People who make poor choices. Someone who might have a shabby appearance, barely existing career and a family who might have long abandoned them thinking they are a lost cause. Addicts who only care about getting their next fix. They are so chemically hooked to their addictive substance that they remain helpless while they see their lives getting ruined.

Some of us, people with no addiction, might place ourselves on moral high ground and criticise such people for their poor life choices. Others might feel sympathy by observing the sufferings the addicts go through and may even help them if their paths happen to cross.

All these are ways to distance ourselves from those who are addicts. An unsaid reassurance that THEY (addicts) are different from US (people with no addiction)

So asking ourselves, “Am I an addict?”, seems odd.

But what if the question is valid?

What if not only is it valid, but we might ALL be addicts?

The false notion of ‘no addiction’ 

Do you often feel that you were watching Netflix, Amazon Prime or other OTT a little too much? During the pauses when you switch between movies or are in between series episodes, do you come back to reality and question yourself — ‘What am I doing with my life?’ But then effortlessly get pulled back in your poison of choice.

Do you have food that comforts you? Something that your mind starts searching for the minute you feel a little down? Maybe ice cream, a drink or fast food. You know not to eat them excessively, but when you are in this particular frame of mind, you cannot let it go. You grasp them as if your life depends on them because they help you forget reality for a little while.

Do you proudly call yourself a workaholic? Being a productivity machine, you go through endless tasks like a knife through warm butter. But nothing you do feels enough. You want to do more, progress more, achieve more. Just the thought of not spending every waking minute working makes you sick.

Do you often go through social media endlessly, jumping from one update of someone to another? Mindlessly scrolling and watching status updates of videos, words and photos. Sometimes, you come back to reality and keep your phone aside. But the next moment, you find yourself scrolling endlessly again.

While being immersed in these worlds, we do not feel any sense of happiness. We might feel short-term pleasures or some dopamine upticks which hook us to our choice of escape. We might laugh or smile when they actively grasp our attention. But there is always that little voice in our head telling us the truth.

The truth about our miserable helplessness. 

We all know that we should slow down. Or rather, do something else altogether. But then why are we not able to make ourselves do it? Why do we constantly seek shelter in things we know excess of which are bad for us?

Are you feeling the lines between the addicts and yourself blurring?

If we, people with no addiction, ask ourselves now, “Am I an addict?”, the answer now might be heartbreaking. Yes, we are.

Am I an addict? — Escaping reality

The reason why we may think we have no addiction could be that we relate it with substance abuse. But our definition of addiction is not entirely complete. We might brush off the interrogation — ‘Am I an addict?’, because we might be fixated on the substance of addiction, whereas the real reason lies deep within.

Addiction is basically any pattern of behaviour whereby you cannot stand to be with yourself and some of the more uncomfortable thoughts, and more importantly emotions, that come from being on your own.

Alain de Botton, Philosopher

Addiction results from a pattern of behaviour where we try to escape our reality. And the means to escape reality can be anything. This means we can be addicted to almost anything.

If it still seems that we have no addiction, let us ask ourselves these questions.

Am I uncomfortable being alone?

Do I feel a constant need to distract myself?

Do I check my phone for news, social media, messages, or the dozens of things it can do the minute I sit idle?

Does sitting in silence make me nervous?

Is there always a series or a movie planned to fill my idle time?

Do I go out not just because it is fun but because it is easier than being in an empty apartment?

Do I often find my schedule packed with little to no breathing space in the day?

Does the thought of doing absolutely nothing make me uneasy?

Is the idea of facing my idle thoughts terrifying?

…

Am I an addict?

If you answer affirmatively to any of the above questions, you are trying to escape your reality. And in that process, we cling to that one thing that gives us a false sense of security. Something that distracts us just enough that we do not have to face ourselves and the resulting uncomfortable thoughts. And when we desperately cling on to it, we get addicted. Having no addiction at all might be a myth.

Is this realisation making you uncomfortable?

Breathe.

It is not your fault.

There is no reason to be too hard on yourself.

It is NOT your fault.

How can we tackle our addictions?

The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy is not a search for meaning. It is to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you will be dead.

Mr Peanutbutter, from the show BoJack Horseman

Sometimes, we might become cynical about life and give up like Mr Peanutbutter. We might desperately try to be busy so as not to analyse ourselves. Addiction causes us to lean on to something excessively. The ‘flight response’ clings to anything giving us a sense of security. We could thus be addicted to cleaning our rooms or organising our closets in the perfect order or style. We might excessively shop, listen to music, take photographs, or talk to friends.

We become addicted to something external so that we do not face the internal work — understanding ourselves. And thus, we fail to solve our issues.

Why is self-criticism the last thing you need?

[Am I an addict? — No! I have no addiction. I will stop it. I will control myself. I know what I SHOULD do.]

When we realise the problems our addictions create, we might deny them thinking we can control ourselves. We try to stop ourselves from the damaging patterns we repeat. But we fail. Ohh, we fail SO MANY times.

And then the spiral of negative thought process begins.

[Why do I keep doing it? I am horrible!]

[What is wrong with me? ]

[Why do I keep repeating the same stupid shit even when I know I don’t want to?!]

[I am good for nothing.]

Do you barrage yourself with similar cross-questioning when you are in the depths of addiction? You blame yourself or give yourself lectures about what is right and wrong. Or tell yourself the things you SHOULD be doing rather than what your default behaviour exhibits.

But it rarely works.

Why? 

Because this self-criticism only works on the levels of the symptoms we exhibit. We tell ourselves to stop, but we rarely do.  It is like taking a pain killer. It might work sometimes and remove our symptoms but until the problem is diagnosed and solved at the root, the symptoms will keep bouncing back.

We are not evil to keep repeating our damaging patterns of behaviour. 

We are not able to get rid of it. Because we are afraid.

Scared. 

Scared to face our realities. Scared of being alone with our uncomfortable thoughts and the emotions that result from them.

Then, what might work?

Step 1: Renewing your inner self-compassion

When we are scared, it manifests into compulsive behaviour. Anything that keeps us from being with ourselves. We are anxious to face our thoughts, our crushed dreams and our mistakes. We are afraid to find everything wrong with us and our lives which can result from external silence and aloneness. We are scared of feeling lonely. Facing thoughts that can bring to the surface our most humiliating moments or desires. We are afraid to be hurt, feel sadness, anger, shame and all the other emotions that can come from being alone.

But when someone is scared, do we go about teaching them what is right and wrong? Do we give them the list of Dos and Don’ts and criticise their every mistake or failure? 

No.

The first thing we do is provide them with a feeling of safety and comfort.

Then why won’t you do it for yourself?

When we are in the depths of our addictions, we do not need lectures from ourselves or someone else. We need compassion, love and encouragement. We need to provide ourselves with a sense of safety. A reassurance that it is human to fail. That it is scary to face idleness.

Without being too harsh, we slowly encourage ourselves to voluntarily face silence in small doses. To be with our thoughts and resulting emotions, however uncomfortable they might be. To ACCEPT the good with the bad, as it is a part of us. Our humiliating thoughts, anger, sadness, laughter, joy, pride, greed, desires, depression, all of it. To finally walk on the path to no addiction.

Acceptance does not mean that our thoughts define us. It just means we do not let them scare us. We embrace them, and as we bring them close, we slowly let them go.

[Am I an addict? Yes, I might be. But I will be more patient and compassionate with myself and slowly begin to face the things I am running away from.]

We slowly accept whatever arises with compassion, with feelings of love and tenderness for ourselves.

If we keep running away from our thoughts and emotions, we will always look for coping mechanisms outside of us. And these would eventually result in unhealthy obsessions. Addictions.

Step 2: Volunteering to be alone with our thoughts

I will teach you a quick and easy exercise if you find sitting in silence uncomfortable. The small doses of this exercise will eventually help us be more comfortable spending time with ourselves.

Let us do this five minutes exercise together. You can do it now or whenever you feel more comfortable or have some quiet time.

1. Make sure you are in a relatively silent place.
2. Switch on an alarm to alert you after 6 minutes.
3. Sit in a comfortable place with your palms on your lap. It can be on a chair or on the ground with your legs folded.
4. Let your spine gently lengthen upward so that it remains in an upright state. Feel that your body is freely hanging on your spine like a coat on a coat-hanger.
5. Relax and release any tension you might be having in your shoulders and your face. Make sure there is no strain in the muscles of your face.
6. Let your tongue rest gently on the floor of your mouth.
7. Now, notice the natural flow of your breath. Just observe. Do not try to force your breath into any other rhythm. Just let it be.
8. Feel the breath moving in your body.
9. For the next five minutes, we will focus on our breath.
10. It is okay if you are not able to. It is natural. The mind wanders because that is its habit.
11. Whatever thoughts arise, be they good or bad, we will accept them. We will neither get indulged in them nor try to stop them. We will let our mind take its natural course and only witness the thoughts as they arise, like watching a video. Let the drama unfold and subside naturally and be a mere spectator.
12. Remember, you love YOU. So try to be compassionate to yourself.
13. Now, close your eyes and be with the wonder that is YOU.

You are free to do the exercise multiple times a day. Once you are comfortable, you can keep on increasing its duration slowly.

Remember how wonderful you are. So make sure to spend some time with yourself.

Let me know in the comments below if you find this article useful.